The Medication Station

"One of the first steps to recovery is admitting you have a problem. The next is looking for help." I've heard this a million times but it isn't quite that simple. Once I admitted to myself that, yes, I have a mental illness and, no, I shouldn't be ashamed, I knew I should say something to the doctor. However, it still took me quite awhile to get the strength to do so. Then, when I finally did, there was the realization that recovery was going to be a lot of trial and error with a pinch of uncertainty.
First, my doctor turned to the standard Zoloft that many people use. He warned me that it would take a few weeks to get the full effect. No problem, I've been dealing with anxiety for years what's a couple more weeks? I popped in that first dose and felt...........horrible. The medicine was way too strong for me. I felt incredibly nauseous, terrible headaches, severe chest pain, no good at all. I figured it was standard side effects and I gave it a few more days before I knew that, no, I just couldn't handle this medication. I stopped cold turkey and had a night of panic attack after panic attack. It wasn't pretty.
I went back to the doctor and tried medication after medication. As I type this, I can think of 4 different medications the doctor has put me on, including an herbal supplement. So far, nothing has worked. Everything has caused negative side effects that have been way too much to try and work through when I'm also busy spending my days being Mommy. I feel like I've exhausted all the medical options and, honestly, I'm okay with that. I don't want to be stuck on a pill my entire life. I already take three daily medicines and I really don't want to add more. However, I do want relief from this inner battle with myself. I want to be done with panic attacks, done with massive anxiety with no real reason. But, so far, I haven't found what works for me. Will I give up? No. It just means more visits with my doctor and more trips to the medication station.