The Fear of Fear

One of the worst things about anxiety, okay the absolute most worst thing, is panic attacks. They come out of nowhere and they pack quite the punch. When many people without anxiety don't understand is just how much one panic attack can take out of a person. Describing a panic attack is really difficult but I will do my best.
First there's the fact that you have no idea when a panic attack will strike. It could be in the middle of driving, could be while you're in the shower, could be when you're waking up first thing in the morning. For me, most of my panic attacks have occurred in the middle of the night (although some have been when I'm already awake). I will be sound asleep, totally fine, and wake up in a pure state of panic. Everyone experiences panic attacks differently as well. Not everyone has the same symptoms. For me, I feel like my throat is closing up, my heart pounds out of my chest, I get light headed because my breathing has gotten so rapid and shallow. If you take my pulse, it's close to 130 during a panic attack. I am aware of what is going on and I know that a panic attack can't hurt me yet I can't get myself to calm down no matter how hard I try. Having support around you is very helpful but, even then, you just have to let it run it's course. Usually it's close to an hour before I can fully be done with a panic attack. Once I'm calm again, I find myself having what feels like a bad hangover. I'm tired, my head hurts, and I'm just overall worn out, like I got hit by a truck. In many ways, I did get hit by a truck...an emotional panicking truck.
I've found things that help my attacks (drinking some milk, having my husband rub my back, etc) but nothing prevents them from happening. And they are downright scary. Sure I know nothing is really wrong but who wants to wake up and feel like they can't breathe?
I also get smaller attacks when I'm put in situations that would normally make me a little nervous. For example, I'm afraid of heights. As a result I've never been a fan of bridges, etc. Nowadays, just the thought of getting on a bridge gets my heart racing and gives me a smaller panic attack.
As I learn to get my anxiety under control, I really hope that the panic attacks go away. Because, to me, there is nothing scarier than having zero control over your body and that is exactly what happens during an attack. Hopefully, someday, panic attacks will be no more.