The absolute most terrible part of anxiety is the panic attack. A panic attack can strike at any time; first thing in the morning, as you're driving down the road, middle of the night, whenever. For me, the majority of my attacks happen in the middle of the night. I will be sound asleep and wake up to a full blown attack with absolutely no idea why. In the beginning, I was convinced something must be wrong with me. Maybe it's my heart, or my lungs, or some rare disease WebMD might tell me about. Nowadays I know the all too familiar symptoms right away. However, nothing really stops a panic attack. I just have to ride it out and hope it passes quickly. It never does.
A panic attack, for me at least, involves every part of the body. There's dizziness, the feeling that you can't breathe, a racing heart, high blood pressure, numb arms and legs, etc. To say it's terrifying is an understatement. I can clearly tell it's a panic attack but it's still incredibly scary. It can last a few minutes or even an hour, usually closer to an hour in my case. Then, in the blink of an eye, it's done. No more racing heart, no more difficulty breathing, nothing. What I'm left with, though, is like the worst hangover of my life meets getting hit by a truck. I end up with a headache, massive amounts of fatigue, body aches, and just overall feeling like I just went through boot camp. It usually takes a few hours after a panic attack before I feel truly normal.
I am incredibly lucky that I have a husband who maybe doesn't fully understand anxiety but works with me. When I have a panic attack, he's my go to. I've called him on the road before, having him talk to me until I get home, to keep a panic attack in check. I've woken him up in the middle of the night asking for a glass of milk (it soothes) and had him rub my back while I try to ride out a bad attack. He doesn't necessarily get it but he's always there for me.
Not everyone is lucky enough to have someone they can reach out to. I do my best to let anyone with anxiety now that they can always reach out to me. Panic attacks are one of the scariest things I've ever been through, I will do whatever I can to help someone else going through the same thing.
Some day I hope I hit a point where I don't have attacks anymore. Until then, I will continue to deal with waking up to fear in the middle of the darkness of night
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
The Medication Station
"One of the first steps to recovery is admitting you have a problem. The next is looking for help." I've heard this a million times but it isn't quite that simple. Once I admitted to myself that, yes, I have a mental illness and, no, I shouldn't be ashamed, I knew I should say something to the doctor. However, it still took me quite awhile to get the strength to do so. Then, when I finally did, there was the realization that recovery was going to be a lot of trial and error with a pinch of uncertainty.
First, my doctor turned to the standard Zoloft that many people use. He warned me that it would take a few weeks to get the full effect. No problem, I've been dealing with anxiety for years what's a couple more weeks? I popped in that first dose and felt...........horrible. The medicine was way too strong for me. I felt incredibly nauseous, terrible headaches, severe chest pain, no good at all. I figured it was standard side effects and I gave it a few more days before I knew that, no, I just couldn't handle this medication. I stopped cold turkey and had a night of panic attack after panic attack. It wasn't pretty.
I went back to the doctor and tried medication after medication. As I type this, I can think of 4 different medications the doctor has put me on, including an herbal supplement. So far, nothing has worked. Everything has caused negative side effects that have been way too much to try and work through when I'm also busy spending my days being Mommy. I feel like I've exhausted all the medical options and, honestly, I'm okay with that. I don't want to be stuck on a pill my entire life. I already take three daily medicines and I really don't want to add more. However, I do want relief from this inner battle with myself. I want to be done with panic attacks, done with massive anxiety with no real reason. But, so far, I haven't found what works for me. Will I give up? No. It just means more visits with my doctor and more trips to the medication station.
First, my doctor turned to the standard Zoloft that many people use. He warned me that it would take a few weeks to get the full effect. No problem, I've been dealing with anxiety for years what's a couple more weeks? I popped in that first dose and felt...........horrible. The medicine was way too strong for me. I felt incredibly nauseous, terrible headaches, severe chest pain, no good at all. I figured it was standard side effects and I gave it a few more days before I knew that, no, I just couldn't handle this medication. I stopped cold turkey and had a night of panic attack after panic attack. It wasn't pretty.
I went back to the doctor and tried medication after medication. As I type this, I can think of 4 different medications the doctor has put me on, including an herbal supplement. So far, nothing has worked. Everything has caused negative side effects that have been way too much to try and work through when I'm also busy spending my days being Mommy. I feel like I've exhausted all the medical options and, honestly, I'm okay with that. I don't want to be stuck on a pill my entire life. I already take three daily medicines and I really don't want to add more. However, I do want relief from this inner battle with myself. I want to be done with panic attacks, done with massive anxiety with no real reason. But, so far, I haven't found what works for me. Will I give up? No. It just means more visits with my doctor and more trips to the medication station.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
The Fear of Fear
One of the worst things about anxiety, okay the absolute most worst thing, is panic attacks. They come out of nowhere and they pack quite the punch. When many people without anxiety don't understand is just how much one panic attack can take out of a person. Describing a panic attack is really difficult but I will do my best.
First there's the fact that you have no idea when a panic attack will strike. It could be in the middle of driving, could be while you're in the shower, could be when you're waking up first thing in the morning. For me, most of my panic attacks have occurred in the middle of the night (although some have been when I'm already awake). I will be sound asleep, totally fine, and wake up in a pure state of panic. Everyone experiences panic attacks differently as well. Not everyone has the same symptoms. For me, I feel like my throat is closing up, my heart pounds out of my chest, I get light headed because my breathing has gotten so rapid and shallow. If you take my pulse, it's close to 130 during a panic attack. I am aware of what is going on and I know that a panic attack can't hurt me yet I can't get myself to calm down no matter how hard I try. Having support around you is very helpful but, even then, you just have to let it run it's course. Usually it's close to an hour before I can fully be done with a panic attack. Once I'm calm again, I find myself having what feels like a bad hangover. I'm tired, my head hurts, and I'm just overall worn out, like I got hit by a truck. In many ways, I did get hit by a truck...an emotional panicking truck.
I've found things that help my attacks (drinking some milk, having my husband rub my back, etc) but nothing prevents them from happening. And they are downright scary. Sure I know nothing is really wrong but who wants to wake up and feel like they can't breathe?
I also get smaller attacks when I'm put in situations that would normally make me a little nervous. For example, I'm afraid of heights. As a result I've never been a fan of bridges, etc. Nowadays, just the thought of getting on a bridge gets my heart racing and gives me a smaller panic attack.
As I learn to get my anxiety under control, I really hope that the panic attacks go away. Because, to me, there is nothing scarier than having zero control over your body and that is exactly what happens during an attack. Hopefully, someday, panic attacks will be no more.
First there's the fact that you have no idea when a panic attack will strike. It could be in the middle of driving, could be while you're in the shower, could be when you're waking up first thing in the morning. For me, most of my panic attacks have occurred in the middle of the night (although some have been when I'm already awake). I will be sound asleep, totally fine, and wake up in a pure state of panic. Everyone experiences panic attacks differently as well. Not everyone has the same symptoms. For me, I feel like my throat is closing up, my heart pounds out of my chest, I get light headed because my breathing has gotten so rapid and shallow. If you take my pulse, it's close to 130 during a panic attack. I am aware of what is going on and I know that a panic attack can't hurt me yet I can't get myself to calm down no matter how hard I try. Having support around you is very helpful but, even then, you just have to let it run it's course. Usually it's close to an hour before I can fully be done with a panic attack. Once I'm calm again, I find myself having what feels like a bad hangover. I'm tired, my head hurts, and I'm just overall worn out, like I got hit by a truck. In many ways, I did get hit by a truck...an emotional panicking truck.
I've found things that help my attacks (drinking some milk, having my husband rub my back, etc) but nothing prevents them from happening. And they are downright scary. Sure I know nothing is really wrong but who wants to wake up and feel like they can't breathe?
I also get smaller attacks when I'm put in situations that would normally make me a little nervous. For example, I'm afraid of heights. As a result I've never been a fan of bridges, etc. Nowadays, just the thought of getting on a bridge gets my heart racing and gives me a smaller panic attack.
As I learn to get my anxiety under control, I really hope that the panic attacks go away. Because, to me, there is nothing scarier than having zero control over your body and that is exactly what happens during an attack. Hopefully, someday, panic attacks will be no more.
Friday, July 10, 2015
Step One: Admittance
I'm about to say something that I have never said to anyone. Heck, I don't think I've ever even said it in my thoughts. Here it goes...I have a mental illness. I have anxiety. Nobody likes to admit when something is wrong with them. But, when it's something nobody else can see, something that comes with a popular stigma, it's even harder to admit. But it's time to put my thoughts and struggles into writing. If I can help just one person, I will feel like I have succeeded. If you are struggling with a mental illness, the most important thing you can do is to not be ashamed.
When it first became clear that I may have anxiety, long before I was ever diagnosed, I didn't want to accept that maybe there was something wrong that wasn't fully in my control. I've always heard the negative stigma surrounding mental illnesses. Why can't you just get over it? Next stop looney bin? It's all in your head. I'm not crazy. I can't just get over it. That's not how mental illness works. But, when you have panic attacks out of nowhere, you can't do simple things because they make you too anxious, and you just want to be left alone, it's hard not to be ashamed. Especially when, once upon a time, I didn't have panic attacks and I could do almost anything without the anxiety I get now. For the longest time it was embarrassing. In many ways it still is embarrassing but I'm learning to embrace it and maybe, if I put my struggles on paper, someone else out there will learn to embrace their illness too and maybe they, and myself, will realize that we aren't alone.
So here it is, me accepting that I have really bad anxiety. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Here is my first step into starting to feel like me again.
When it first became clear that I may have anxiety, long before I was ever diagnosed, I didn't want to accept that maybe there was something wrong that wasn't fully in my control. I've always heard the negative stigma surrounding mental illnesses. Why can't you just get over it? Next stop looney bin? It's all in your head. I'm not crazy. I can't just get over it. That's not how mental illness works. But, when you have panic attacks out of nowhere, you can't do simple things because they make you too anxious, and you just want to be left alone, it's hard not to be ashamed. Especially when, once upon a time, I didn't have panic attacks and I could do almost anything without the anxiety I get now. For the longest time it was embarrassing. In many ways it still is embarrassing but I'm learning to embrace it and maybe, if I put my struggles on paper, someone else out there will learn to embrace their illness too and maybe they, and myself, will realize that we aren't alone.
So here it is, me accepting that I have really bad anxiety. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Here is my first step into starting to feel like me again.
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